[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
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The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
just left a huge legacy in there
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.