[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
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I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
(Jupiter –
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?