why no one uses midhusbands
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I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN