Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
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In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
The Joker was right
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜