Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
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Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
i made a craigslist ad !
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.