Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
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*orders delivery*
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
time machine? you mean a clock?
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.