[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
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You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
The point of your 20s
I think this cat is broken
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time