*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
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The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”