The pen is writier than the sword.
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My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse