Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
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My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
In case you needed to hear it:
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open