it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
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I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.