Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
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Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.