When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
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Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”