£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
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Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry