Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
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[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
October already? What’s next? November????
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’