Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
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You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER