Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
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My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie