just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
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“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!