How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
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I ate everything, including the H.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
my name if I was in the mob
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
The days of good grammer has went
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
*Seductively hides in the woods
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West