Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
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A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Doormats are a gateway rug.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this