The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
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cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
If looks could kill
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
wtf is an acronym
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.