[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
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Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.