I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
You Might Also Like
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.