i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
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We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.