Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
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Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
This meeting could have been a cake
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Baller is short for ballerina
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons