The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
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I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
SF is the wild wild west man
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Yes, but it was never about money
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?