On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
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“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.