Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
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BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Every work meeting this week
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.