JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
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Make new friends? bro out of what?
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
i think we should see other cousins
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?