If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
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Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Effort made
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”