The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
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There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it