Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
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Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.