Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
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papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
new career option?
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.