If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
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Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I am yelling
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.