me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
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This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Twitter is an abusement park.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.