A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
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“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”