Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
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poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
OKAY DAD
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Chicago sounds lovely.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
meow
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.