tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
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I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies