[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
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When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Lol #dogsoftwitter
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
An odd boast
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
he chose this