* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
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Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.