Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
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My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!