Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
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People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*