“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
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demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg