Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
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I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Yes my dude
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas