*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
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Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*