Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
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Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Based Erika
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster