Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
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DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down