Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
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Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.