My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
You Might Also Like
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever