Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
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if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming